


growing pains

by victry (paroxysmalirony)



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Orchestra, Anxiety, Gen, Implied Suicide Attempt, Internal Conflict, Questioning, based on on a bts band au I read last week!!, hansol plays the french horn, seungkwan is a theatre kid, trans girl soonyoung
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-19
Updated: 2015-09-19
Packaged: 2018-04-21 07:43:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,596
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4820975
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/paroxysmalirony/pseuds/victry
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>By the age of fifteen, Hansol already knows he’s different.</p>
            </blockquote>





	growing pains

**Author's Note:**

> Hey!  
> I'd like to start by saying that I, myself, am not trans so I tried my best not to dwell too much on the character's story line, but if I DID get anything wrong, please CALL ME OUT ON IT !! Also I made most of them the same age so it could work with the story  
> Also, please, please, please, don't read if you're easily triggered by mentions of anxiety and stuff I don't want you to be uncomfortable!  
> Anyway, so enjoy !!

By the age of fifteen, Hansol already knows he’s different. Growing up with an anxiety disorder made the fact hard for him to ignore. That, and the fact that he’s been in and out of his therapist’s office even more since his parents’ unexpected divorce five years ago.

These are things that Hansol knows and even accepts, so when his fifteenth hits, as does the realization that he isn’t entirely straight, he’s not surprised. He is, however, confused.

It doesn’t take too long for this confusion to turn into anger, through. Two months is all it takes for the thoughts of “ _If I’m not straight, then what the hell am I?_ ” to become “ _Why the fuck couldn’t I be normal, just this once?_ ”

So, he does what he knows he’s good at and represses it all. He pushes any thoughts of being anything but straight down, much like he does with with his antidepressants every morning.

And it works. He manages to go through his daily motions with some familiarity. He plays his french horn in the Youth Philharmonic the same, laughs with his best friend Soonyoung the same and even manages to keep the same passive look on his face as he says “I’m fine.” whenever he’s asked by Mingyu, the symphony’s percussionist, after every rehearsal.

He may be confused, closeted, and just plain lost, but really, Hansol is just fine.

(He sees an advertisement for a youth LGBTQ+ helpline on his way out of practice one day and even goes as far as dialing the number. He wonders if he would have actually had the courage to press call if it hadn’t been for the painfully long panic attack he gets from just looking at his phone’s screen.)

 

 

 

“I hear they’re making cuts and dropping the useless sections," Mingyu explains one day during rehearsals. "Yes, I’m looking at you, oboes.”

“You sure it didn’t say percussion?” Junhui snorts, his eyes not once leaving his oboe.

“Hey, I’m important!”

“When you’re not missing cues.” Wonwoo laughs as he walks by the percussionist on his way to his seat in the brass section.

“You’re both wrong. We’ve been asked to play the live music for the theatre’s production of Seussical.” Soonyoung says, while passing out copy after copy of musical scores to the strings kids.

“ _Seussical_? Really? Are we nine?”

“No,” Soonyoung chuckles lightly. “but I'm sure there are a few nine year olds who wouldn't mind taking your spot in the symphony, Mingyu Kim.”

Hansol laughs internally at his sharp tongued best friend's witty response to Mingyu's incessant whining.

“Anyways so since the theatre kids have already learned their songs and everything, we start practising with them on Tuesday at the Grand, so don't fuck around-”

“ _Mr Kwon_.”

Soonyoung swallows thickly before continuing.

“I, the concertmaster, will not tolerate any lollygagging at all this session. How's that tickle your fancy, _sir_?” Soonyoung bites back and Hansol can't say that he _isn't_ shocked.

The concert hall's owner purses his lips as Soonyoung takes a seat and Hansol can't miss the hint of a smile on his best friend's lips.

( _It's nothing_ , Soonyoung says later that day when Hansol asks where the talking back had come from as they sit at the Kwon family's kitchen table, huddled over a biology project. _I was just feeling a little rebellious, I guess. I'm a dorky violinist let me live!_ )

 

 

 

The Youth Philharmonic has only been rehearsing with the theatre kids for a little over a week and Hansol has already had enough.

It's not that they're horrible, or snobby, or anything of that nature. If anything, they're great. Their building is nice, and air-conditioned and they serve Hansol's favourite snacks over break time. It's just that Hansol can't help the feeling of dread that washes over his body at the thought of being around the likes of Seungkwan Boo, the Cat in the Hat.

He reminds Hansol too much of everything that he's tried so hard to forget over the last few months so if his French horn's sound is all but pleasant and the notes on his sheet music scramble together as he loses focus for the millionth time that day, the Cat is to blame.

 

 

 

Two weeks later, things start to change. Hansol learns the term _genderfluid_ from Jihoon Lee, Junior Stage Manager, and that they/them are the pronouns they prefer. Hansol also learns that Seungkwan Boo really isn't as bad as he initially thought and that the boy, as embarrassing as it may be, is the kind of person Hansol wouldn't mind having around the next time he's hit with a panic attack (which is an hour later, when Hansol accidentally knocks over the entire woodwinds section's stands after trying to guide Minghao through a complex section in the music).

 

 

 

_"Are you feeling better, now? Can I get you some more water?"_

_"No, I'm good, now. Thanks though."_

_"Don't worry about it, just know that I'm here for you."_

_"Really?"_

_"Yeah, why wouldn't I be?"_

_"I... Yeah.. Why wouldn't you be?"_

 

 

 

It takes a month of going over the sheet music for every act and working out the kinks and transitions for the seal of repression to break and for Hansol to realize that he's very much falling for Seungkwan and that he _really_ isn't straight.

Just as he had months ago begins to fall into the pattern of trying even harder to repress these things to the point where he doesn't even notice he's gone over his regular dosage of antidepressants until he wakes up in bed on a Friday night, not really knowing how he ended up there in the first place.

He knows from a quick glance at his charging phone that he's missed over 20 calls from Soonyoung. He isn't entirely surprised when his friend shows up at his door less than five minutes later with a look of worry that made Hansol wish he wasn't so passive about so much.

“Why weren't you answering my calls?”

“I was sleeping.”

“You never nap after rehearsals.”

“Things change.”

“Hansol.”

“Soonyoung.”

“Don't do this.”

“Do what?”

Soonyoung sighs. “Hansol, you know I love you right?”

Hansol nods, despite himself. He knows Soonyoung loves him and always has. He just wishes he could understand why.

 

 

 

_"What are we?”_

_“I don't know. What do you want to be?”_

_“I don't know. But, I want to try. ”_

_“Me too.”_

 

 

 

They're sitting on the living room floor in Hansol’s dad’s house when Soonyoung comes out with it, and well, _comes out_.

“Hansol, I...” Soonyoung says, struggling to form words. “What would you do if... What would you say if I... If I said I'm a girl?”

“Wait, why?” Hansol asks all too quickly and he wants to hit himself for being so stupid because Soonyoung is very obviously distraught if the trembling hands and visibly clammy hands weren't enough of a tell.

It feels like years go by before Soonyoung responds.

“I'm a girl,” Soonyoung cries. “I’m trans.”

Hansol wishes his reaction had been different. He wishes he could have been more supportive or even found the courage to say “ _Oh, hey, it's okay! You're not alone! I'm not exactly cishet, myself! Well cis, yeah, but I might be bi!_ ”

He doesn't say these things.

In fact, he doesn't say a thing at all.

Instead, he pulls his friend into his arms as she cries what he hopes are tears of joy and relief.

“Please say something...” she begs, sniffing quietly into his shoulder and Hansol almost starts to cry, himself.

“What... What do I call you now?”

“Serena. Please, call me Serena.”

They sit in silence for a while, waiting for her sobs to subside.

“What are you thinking?” Hansol asks when they do.

“I'm thinking that saying it out loud feels like there’s a weight that’s been lifted off my shoulders, you know? Like... I can finally breathe. I just… I’m talking too much. I’ll stop.”

“No, no. Please, let it out.”

“I… I don’t even know. I’ve waited for this for so long… It feels so good.”

 

 

 

Hansol starts to see more of Seungkwan Boo and even goes as far as offering to accompany him with his dad's piano on weekends.

Eventually, it becomes a routine. Seungkwan showing up at his door with his copy of the Seussical score and Hansol playing through the music with ease. He chooses to ignore the quickening of his heartbeat every time Seungkwan thanks him or the flushing of his cheeks whenever the boy compliments him on his piano skills.

 

 

 

_"I could even accompany you on the guitar if you want."_

_"Wow, you play the guitar, too? I wish I could..."_

_"Yeah... I could teach you?"_

_"...Really?"_

_"I mean, why not?"_

 

 

 

His phone rings not too long after Seungkwan leaves and Hansol can't help the expectant fluttering his heart as he picks up.

Hansol doesn't want to feel  disappointed when it's Serena on the other end, but he does.

Sue him, he's in love.

“Hansol?”

“Yeah, what's up?”

“I just told my mom.”

“That's a good thing, right? How did she take it?”

“I don't know. There was an emergency at the hospital so she had to leave as soon as possible, I don't know. What if she hates me, Hansol. Kids like me... You never know.”

“She won't," Hansol says, determined. He _knows_ what happens to many trans kids- Serena's told him enough- but he doesn't want to think of these things happening to his _best friend_. "you're her daughter.”

“As far as she knew, I was her son.”

“I'm coming.”

“But the rain...”

“You need me.”

“I need you alive.”

“I'll be fine. See you in fifteen.”

Hansol hangs up after that and quickly packs an overnight bag. With the torrential downpour outside, he doubts he'll be able to return home on his own. It's a good thing his dad is on a business trip in the next town over, Hansol thinks. If anything, the man shouldn't care that he's spending the night somewhere safe.

Nearly an hour later, Hansol stands outside Serena's door drenched in rain water. He knocks on the door with a trembling hand as his other clutches onto his bag for dear life.

Serena opens the door ten seconds later.

“You look like a drowned rat,” she jokes, grabbing one of his hands into her own to pull him into the warm building. The comment lacks the playful bite Hansol is used to.

Hansol remains silent as Serena guides him into the living room. He stays silent as she gently pushes him onto the couch and stays silent as she rummages through the linen closet to find him a towel because Hansol knows Serena. He knows that this is her way of coping with things, by giving herself to others.

They're snuggled under a thick blanket on Serena's living room couch when Hansol breaks the silence and asks her why.

“There are more important things in the world than me, I guess.”

“You're the most important person in my life, Serena.”

“Am I?”

“Well, you are my best friend.”

Serena cries. Hansol holds her.

(Hansol ends up staying with Serena for the next 24 hours as she waits for her mother to return from the hospital. When Mrs Kwon does return, she pulls her daughter in for a hug. Hansol feels like an intruder as he watches the two sob into each other's shoulders, but the moment is a beautiful one nonetheless.)

 

 

 

He kisses Seungkwan for the first time on opening night. It's out of the blue, a spur of the moment kind of thing. They're the only two in the green room.

It feels nice.

 

 

 

_"What was that for?"_

_"Good luck?"_

_"..."_

_"...What was that for?"_

_"Same thing."_

 

 

 

The night his father is in the crowd is also the night his mother is there with her boyfriend.

To say that Hansol is anxious would be a gross understatement.

“I hear there's a Julliard representative out there today, and that they'll be keeping an eye out for a couple of new recruits!”

If Hansol was anxious before, he really doesn't want to out a word to what he feels right then.

Sensing his discomfort, Serena puts her violin down to take a seat next to him.

“Don't listen to Mingyu. He's got a bigger mouth than the entire woodwinds section combined.”

“I heard that!”

“That, Mingyu Kim, is the point.”

“You're a tyrant.”

“And proud,” she smiled sweetly his way before turning to Hansol. “Do you want to go for a walk?”

“I think... I think I'll be good,” he whispered back. “Thanks though.”

“It's what I'm here for,” she says quietly, squeezing his hand reassuringly and Hansol sighs in relief.

The nerves are still there but he manages to play through the music smoothly in a way that makes both his parents, and even his mother's boyfriend proud.

 

 

 

_"I'm proud of you."_

_"I'm just the French Horn guy."_

_"The greatest French Horn guy."_

_"... Can I kiss you?"_

_"You didn't even need to ask."_

 

 

 

After closing night, the Philharmonic kids get invited to a party at Seungcheol, Horton the Elephant's house in the outskirts of town.

Hansol spends the first half of the night glued to Serena's side until she eventually wanders off with Jihoon.

He then spends the final half of the night with Seungkwan. If their lips aren't locked in the darker corners of the large home, the night is spent with the two just talking to each other.

Seungkwan talks about every state he's lived since preschool (14). And Hansol opens up about his own childhood, filling in his boyfriend about any gruesome detail he'd been too scared to share. But Seungkwan makes it easy.

He trusts him with all his heart, Hansol realises later as Serena's mother takes the two home.

 

 

 

_"So... Jihoon?"_

_"Leave me alone."_

_"They're cool. I like them."_

_"I... Yeah... I like them too."_

 

 

 

Hansol wishes things had stayed easy. He wishes that he'd been secure enough of his bisexuality to even admit to being bisexual in the first place.

He wishes he'd been better for Seungkwan. Maybe then Hansol wouldn't be watching his back retreat as he silently walks away and out of his life three months later

 

 

 

_"Hansol?"_

_"Yeah?"_

_"How are you feeling?"_

_"Serena, I'm fine."_

_"But..."_

_"I swear."_

 

 

 

Hansol isn't necessarily proud of it, but he's good at pushing people away. Whether it's his parents, classmates, or even his best friend, Hansol can effortlessly use his passive nature to his advantage and, well, push them away.

He deals with it alone, pretends to be sick and or busy whenever his appointments or Serena come along. He doesn't like the feeling of loneliness that creeps in by the two month mark, but Hansol thinks it feels a hell of a lot better than being a burden.

 

 

 

_"Why weren't you at school?"_

_"I didn't feel so good."_

_"Oh... Do you want me to bring you the homework, then?"_

_"No, it's fine."_

_"Are you?"_

_"I... Yes."_

 

 

 

The next time he sees Seungkwan, it's by accident. They're at the Convention Centre and Hansol hasn't seen him in almost a year. His hair is longer, his face slimmer, and expressions happier than Hansol can remember.

He wants to cry.

“Hansol, Soonyoung's concerto starts in two minutes!” Mingyu’s voice is loud enough to get Seungkwan's attention.

They lock eyes and Seungkwan smiles. The gesture reminds Hansol of sunshine, and his heart flutters.

Hansol does cry later that night when he locks himself in a bathroom stall for the entire duration of Serena's concerto. He rides it out on his own. It hurts.

 

 

 

 

“I didn't see you out there tonight,” Serena says, her tone nonchalant, but Hansol knows she's upset and hates himself for it.

Even when he's being an undeserving, selfish prick, she cares.

“I'm sorry,” is all he says, holding back his tears.

“It's okay,” she smiles.

 _No it isn't_ , he wants to scream, but he doesn't.

“I'm sorry,” he repeats instead, hands balling into fists.

Hansol doesn't want to cry, but he does. And despite the tear stains he leaves on her crisp white dress shirt, she lets him.

 

 

 

_"Hansol, can we talk?"_

_"Uh, yeah?"_

_"... I miss you."_

_"I miss you too."_

 

 

 

Hansol misses a lot of people. Seungkwan, who he hadn't seen since their breakup over a year ago; Serena, who's away at a Young Musicians convention in New York City, yet never fails to update him on her progress in the art that is winged liner (Hansol finds it absolutely stunning when she pairs it with bright red lips); and even Mingyu, who's out for the season because of a curious case of carpal tunnel he claims he got from too much practicing, but Hansol has heard enough stories of Mingyu jerking it religiously to doubt it.

 

 

 

_"This is nice."_

_"...what is?"_

_"This... Us."_

 

 

 

It's on a bad day, four months later that Hansol shows up on Serena's doorstep, breathing ragged, and hair askew. He feels trapped.

“Hansol, what's wrong? Tell me... Please.”

“I can't hide this anymore, Serena. H- he said,” Hansol chokes, his lungs feeling like they’re about to explode.

“Shhh, take your time.”

“He said he loves me, Serena! He said he loves me and that he wants to try again, but I don't know if I can, not if I don't to do right! That's fair right? I'm being fair, right?”

Hansol doesn't give away too much at first, but he can tell Serena knows if the set of her jaw line is anything to go by.

Hansol slides to the floor in defeat. He needs to let it out.

“I'm so confused!”

“That's okay.”

“But _I'm_ not! I don't want to be confused! I want to be able to hold his hand, love him, even, and not feel like I'm lying to myself!”

He breathes shakily, and looks down at his clasped fingers.

“If I say it out loud, it’ll all be _too_ real,” Hansol says, running a hand through his hair. He’s almost tempted to tear it all out strand by strand. “but if I don’t, I’ll have to watch him walk away again and I can’t… Not again…”

Serena joins him on the floor and Hansol places a hand on her thigh, palm facing up. She laces her fingers with his and he holds on, like she’s some some sort of a lifeline, which she really is.  He’s glad to have her in his life.

“You don’t have to say anything until you’re ready.”

“I think I might be,” he says quietly, ten minutes later, when his shallow breathing has evened out and he’s splayed across Serena’s thighs as she soothingly cards her fingers through his hair. “Serena,” he starts slowly. “I’m bisexual.”

He can feel his tears spilling, and the vague sense of dread floating through his head but the feeling of relief is stronger.

“I’m sixteen, kind of fucked up in more ways than one, I’m bisexual, and I’m in love with Seungkwan Boo,” he lists carefully, but content nonetheless. “How does that sound?”

“It sounds like you’re sure.”

Hansol thinks for a moment, before coming to the realization that he _really_ is sure.

“I am.”

 

 

 

_"I love you."_

_"I know... I love you."_

_"I know."_

 

 

 

“Hey, Hansol,” Serena starts one day after rehearsals as they study for an English test in Hansol’s bedroom at his mom’s house. Her, now shoulder length, hair is pulled back into a ponytail and she’s gnawing nervously on her pencil’s eraser. “do you think it’d be weird if I came out to the Philharmonic kids? I mean, Mingyu already knows and so does Junhui...”

He flashes back to that time two weeks ago during off season when the two of them had been over at his dad’s house and Serena bust through the door clad in a skirt and oversize sweater, saying “ _I just got my nails done and didn’t get stared down by the nail artist for once, my trans ass is lit!_ ”

They took it quite nicely and Mingyu even went as far as asking her what nail salon she'd gone to because “ _I’m a percussionist, they chip easily!_ ”

“Plus,” she continues with a shrug. “I’m tired of misgendering myself, you know?”

“I don’t think it’d be weird. If it helps, I could come out with you?”

“You’d do that, for me?”

“ _Duh_ ," he laughs, gently nudging her side. "you’re my best friend, the rock to my roll, my cinnamon apple-”

“You’re ridiculous.”

“I know.”

 

 

 

There are still times where Hansol feels unsure, anxious, and confused, but he’s getting better. This time around, he finds himself capable of being honest whenever he’s asked if he’s fine. The answer isn’t always yes, but the amount of _no_ ’s is substantially smaller.

His therapist notes his progress that day, three hours before the Youth Philharmonic’s Christmas Concert. He’s proud of himself and so are his friends.

Seungkwan holds his hand on the drive to the Convention Centre. The boy is staring out the window, watching the snow fall from the sky and looks so peaceful, Hansol can't help _but_ look. Hansol knows his mother is watching the two through the rear-view mirror.

“ _Kids_ ,” he can hear her say as she pulls into the parking lot and he takes note of the smile in her tone.

Hansol is seventeen; an anxious, bisexual, French Horn playing, honors student; his family is blended; he's _in love_ with Seungkwan Boo; and he _knows_ that he’s different.

Only, this time around, he’s okay with it.

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry about any mistakes...
> 
> Also if you're wondering why I chose the name Serena it's because Hoshi means star and I wanted to use another celestial name and that happened lol
> 
> Thanks for reading!!


End file.
